


Jerry Clower Transcripted

by kat_hollifield13



Category: US Comedians RPF
Genre: 1920s, 1930s, 1940s, Comedians, Comedy, Mississippi, Slapstick, Southern Comedy, Southern Gospel, Stand Up Comedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-03
Updated: 2014-07-03
Packaged: 2018-02-07 07:02:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 1,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1889415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kat_hollifield13/pseuds/kat_hollifield13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I've  made it a mission to transcribe as many of Jerry Clower's stories and jokes as I can. I usually work on this when I can't sleep.</p>
<p>He was my favorite comedian and his wholesome comedy is great for all ages. You just might learn a thing or two about everything from lovin' each other to life in the 1920s - 1950s.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Double Fireplace

Do ya’ll know what a double fireplace is?

Me and my brother Sonny and my Mama lived in a house one time what had a double fire place. What that means is you sit in the one room in front of the fireplace and right directly across the backside of that fire is another fireplace what’s hooked to the same chimney.

I was as scared of the dark as any man who ever lived. Or any youngin’ who ever lived I’ll guarantee ya. My brother Sonny would always make me sit in front of this fireplace until I’d get so sleepy that I’d fall out in the floor, or either have to walk around in the dark by myself and go to bed.

This night he sweated me, until I went on in there, I felt my way around through the kitchen and through the side room and then back into the bed, and when I got back into the bedroom on the other side of the fireplace I saw Mama had moved the furniture.

Every night, Sonny, after I got in the bed and got it warm he’d get him a big runnin’ start ‘boogadee boogadee boogadee’ here he’d come and he’d leave the floor and jump up in my back up in the middle of that bed.

Just as I walked into the room, there is the bed right by the door. Over yonder where the bed used to be is the chifferobe. And I ’s layin’ there thinkin’, I said ‘Do you reckon Sonny _knows_ that Mama has moved this bed?’

Directly I heard him comin ‘boogadee boogadee boogadee’ here he come; I felt the air from him, when he run by the door right there where I was layin’ ‘ _phft_ ’ and his feet left the floor and it sounded like for several seconds he was up in the air, _**Whoomb** whoomb whoomb whoomb_ he come down flat of his stomach skidded across that ole wooden floor and his head hit the far side of that room right under the chifferobe _**Whoomb**_ and jarred the whole house.

Here come Mama with the lamp, a holdin up above her head, “What in the world has happened to you youngin’s?”

And I’m layin in the bed gigglin’ “Heeheehee HEEheeheehee”

“So good gracious alive…” Sonny was squallin’.

We got him up out of the middle of the floor and lit the other lamp and we picked splinters outta him and dabbed Mecuricome on him till daylight. It took that long to get Mecuricome dabbed on him where all them splinters had stuck into him.


	2. Our First Banana

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to start putting pronunciations in () so you can get a better idea of the accent he used.

Me n Marcel Ledbetter joined the Navy. Caught that fast train. Haaaawh, that city of New Orleans. (Or’lns) Fastest train in the world. Runs from New Orleans to Chicago (Chi-car-go) n back. 

Me n Marcel had prayed that we’d one day get enough’a money to ride that train, an’ finally the federal government bought us a ticket on it. 

Me n Marcel got on that train headed to Camp Perry, Virginia. Williamsburg, Virginia. That’s where we took our boot camp: Camp Perry, Virginia. 

We got on that train. We’d been on that train 6 hours. Me n Marcel had been homesick 5 hours and 59 minutes. An’ a fella come walkin down through that train, had a basket in each hand, sayin’ “Apples, oranges, bananer’s! Get your apples, oranges, bananer’s!” 

Marcel said “Jerry, what is a bananer?” 

I said “I don’t have no idea (I-dee). I got a apple n a orange one Christmas, but I ain’t never ever seen or heard a no bananer.” 

Marcel said “Hey fella, what’s ‘em bananers?” 

He said, “Two fer a nickel.” 

Marcel said “Gimme two a them.” Woaarh! Said “How do ya eat ‘em?” 

Feller said “Pull that yeller part off. Peel it.” 

Marcel got that bananer and hung his fingernails in the top of it and commenced to sliding his fingernails up and down that bananer, an snatched it open, scooped him out a mouthful of that bananer with his hand, popped it up in his mouth. 

*smacking noises* 

And about that time the train went into a tunnel. And the railroad car we ‘as ridin’ in got jet, black, dark. 

Marcel said “Jerry, Jerry! (Sounds with mouthful)” 

I said “What!?” 

Marcel said *sound of spitting* “Jerry? You ate (eht) yer bananer yet?” 

I said “Naw.” 

He said “Well, don’t. I took one bite a mine and went stone blind.” 


	3. The Burnin Building

This story I am about to tell ye, the inspiration comes to me from the Lieutenant Governor of the great state of Georgia, Mr. Zell Miller! That’s right! 

I grow’d up at Route 4, Liberty, Mississippi. (Miss-sip-peh) The country seat town was a small town: Volunteer fire department. It was in the middle of the summer, big drought, no water, everybody knew if a building caught on fire (f-ah-re) it ‘as gone. Cause there wasn’t no water, they just couldn’t draw it up fast enough to put out no fire. 

One Saturday evenin’ a building caught on fire. 

Commenced to burnin’. 

The crowd gathered with their arms folded. Squallin’. Watching the building burn, cause there ain’t no water. Bout that time here come Uncle Vercy Ledbetter and Aunt (ain’t) Pet in their ol’ truck. Had all of the youngin’s with ‘um: Ardel, Burnel, Raynel, W.L. (dub-yell), Lanel, Odell, Eudel, Marcel, Claude, Newgene, and Clovis. They ‘s all hangin’ on that ol’ truck. Waaagh! 

Everybody heard ‘um comin’, the fenders rattlin’: [sounds of flopping fender: blopgablopgablopgablopgablopga]! Here they come! 

An’ the crowd parted cause they ‘as comin’ pretty fast. An’ they run right up on the sidewalk, an right up in the middle of the fire. Into the fire! An’ they jumped off and took off their overhaul jumpers an went to floppin’ and stompin’ the fire: whalm! 

Puttin’ it out. 

Aunt Pet Ledbetter had her bonnet, tellin ‘um “‘ho stomp over here, (he-y-ah) get (geet) it out!” whomp whomp! 

And they stomped the fire out! They put it slap out! 

The folks cheered, “Haaawg! The Ledbetter’s, they’re heroes! (h-E-rows) They put out the fire.” 

They passed a hat, took up a collection, took up 31 dollars. Give the money to Uncle Vercy, and said “Sir, we love you, you are a hero.” Said, “Tell us, what are you going to buy with the 31 dollars?” 

He said “The first thing I’m gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that truck!” 


	4. The Last Piece of Chicken

If you asked an adult old as I am, what grow’d up in the country; we were taught some manners when were youngin’s. We had manners, I’ll tell you now.

Never ever would you be caught takin’ the last piece a chicken offa the plate…or the last biscuit. 

Now you’d sit there and want it some kind of bad; but you know’d better than to take it offa the plate. 

I finished supper one evenin, and went over to the Ledbetter house and they ‘s eatin’ supper. An’ they ‘s all sittin’ around the table there; Marcel an Claude an Newgene an Aunt Pet Ledbetter…Missus Ledbetter as everybody affectionately called her…an they called Mister Ledbetter, Uncle Vercy. 

Well, they was all sittin’ around the table and there’s one piece of chicken left right in the middle of the platter. An all of them was a sittin’ there lookin’ at it. 

A wind come up and blow’d the lamp out. 

And you could hear Uncle Vercy scream just like lightenin’ had struck ‘im. And Aunt Pet jumped up and finally got the lamp lit, and there was 5 forks stickin’ out the back of Uncle Vercy’s hand. 


	5. Idiotic Lawsuits

I wish there’s some way I could do without some of these idiotic lawsuits. 

Talkin’ about being responsible, good gracious! 

Whenever a eighty year old woman goes to MacDonalds and buys a cup of hot coffee, and comes back and sits down in her car and sticks the coffee ‘tween her legs…and she’s driving the car with one hand and fumbling with the lid with the other…spills the coffee on herself, scalds herself! It’s _**her fault**_! 

She sues MacDonalds and what happens? The price of mine and your _hamburgers_ go up! I got seven grandchildren, them happy meals is killing me! 

I read in the paper the other day where a woman went to the grocery store and bought a jar of vagi-gel…then sued the grocery store because she said she put it on toast and eat it…and then she got pregnant, she sued ‘em! And said it wasn’t her responsibility it was the grocery store’s responsibility because that jar of vagi-gel was on a shelf _not far_ from the jellies and jams department! 

I oughta get a law passed that some judge or another can say ‘that’s silly, you can’t try that.’ Or do like Europe does, you bring up a lawsuit in Europe I understand if you lose you pay their lawyer. That’d stop it! Whoo, you better believe that’d stop it!


	6. Examples of a Redneck

A lot of people in this country have bought books defining what a redneck is.

I saw one the other day, had a thousand different things that you can look for to identify a redneck.

Well let a good ole boy give ya just a few ways you can know a redneck.

And you don't need to buy no book.

Well let me tell ya on the front, I've never seen a redneck that didn't have a job. He was workin' at somethin'. Cause he just had to have enough money to go by and visit with his friends at one of them places side the road fore he goes home in the evenin'.

So you can rest assured 100% of the time that a mans always a redneck if he's got a bunch of ole second hand cars and just half of 'em will crank.

You know a man is a redneck if the front porch falls, it'll always kill about four dogs.

You know a man is a redneck if his mama keeps a spit-can on the ironin' board.

You know a man is a redneck if his mama has got in a fistfight at a high school sporting event. I've seen 'em walk in the sheriffs office and say, "Sheriff, please let my mama outta jail. I's the one that started that fight."

And you know a man is a redneck if there's two boys in the same family named Jr.

You know a man is a redneck when he calls sardines and spam Hors d'œuvres. 


	7. Definition of a Cow

A cow is a completely automatic milk manufacturing machine.

It is encased in untanned leather, and mounted on four vertical, moveable, supports. One on each corner.

The front end contains the cutting and grinding mechanism, as well as light sensors, an air inlet and exhaust, a bumper, and a foghorn.

At the rear is the dispensing apparatus and an automatic flyswatter.

The central portion houses a hydro-chemical conversion plant. This consists of four fermentation and storage tanks, connected in series by an intricate network of flexible plumbing. This section also contains the heating plant complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station, and main ventilating system.

The waste disposal apparatus is located at the rear of this central section.

In brief the extremely visible features are: two lookers, two hookers, four stand-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-whishy.


End file.
